Now I want to go buy a fancy new knife set for myself. To move on from the messy past of my divorce. I got the knife set in the divorce. Since then it has become the messy middle. A missing steak knife, stolen by an ex-boyfriend. The bent tip of the filet knife. The dulled and can’t be sharpened edges of the butcher knife. Those memories all live IN me, and I no longer need the physical and tangible almost daily reminders of them. I’d much rather have a knife at that feels good in my hands again, with earthy wooden handles (so I don’t get lazy and put them in the dishwasher) and a weightyness to them that they feel like they will last a lifetime, and not just through the cycle of another relationship. I want to affirm my relationship with my partner and myself now.
I laughed at the wooden handles as a dishwasher deterrent. That feels like self knowledge at its finest. There’s something quietly satisfying about choosing beauty and longevity with just enough structure to keep us honest. I hope the knife shopping feels like a celebration. 🩵
I love this, Alexander. The juxtaposition is so real and intimate. How often do we get such a 'groundhog day' that helps us realize how far we've come and how far we've yet to go? It illustrates the moment (and its lingerings) so vividly. The human experience in all its wonderful learning. How much we can learn from each other's journey. Thank you for sharing yours in this way. It is healing for so many. 🙏🏻
I love how you framed it as a kind of Groundhog Day, those moments that quietly show us both distance traveled and distance remaining. I’m curious, when you notice those moments in your own life, do they feel comforting, unsettling, or a mix of both?
Personally, I'm trying to close the gap between feeling my feelings and getting the learning. I spent years thinking my body's sole purpose was transporting my head. Then, some years back, through meditation and many, many groundhog days, I had the most unsettling feeling! Now, I feel in the moment as best I can (Kindness to myself has been a big help) and later I look for the learning. I hope that's clear?
This says it all "practicing aliveness until it became more than theory". Its ongoing, always. To me, if we stop practicing, the magic and beauty will falter. This has been a beautiful series, Alex, and given me much to think about regarding presence and aliveness in all areas of life. Thank you! ✨✨
“If we stop practicing, the magic and beauty will falter.” That feels so true to my own experience. Aliveness seems less like something we arrive at and more like something we keep choosing, sometimes clumsily, sometimes with grace. I appreciate you putting words to that.
Beautiful Alex. You gave us such a gift in this series. Chapters of your life’s journey with finesse, emotion and wisdom. Thank you for opening our eyes and minds in what you have shared. i was struck by “Alone in the wanting I couldn’t speak”. Those words hit home for me. I don’t want this series to end. To continue along your journey with you finding mystery and awareness throughout your revelations is similar to having a great novel I can’t put down. I want to know where you are and what you face and how far you will go. I am hoping as you continue your destiny…you will consider keeping us abreast of your life’s discoveries, whichever emotion appears from them, as you retain your “presence”.
When I was writing this series, I kept wondering how much to reveal and how much to hold. I learned that presence asks for honesty without spectacle. Your response makes me feel like that balance landed, and that means a great deal to me.
I'm kinda loving the Past, Present, Future vibe during this time of year. So apropos as we reflect on the year past, where we are now, and make plans for (or hide from?) our future selves. So fitting, in fact, that Dickens condemned this triumvirate to Christmas Classic domain forever. Your revelation is inspiring. Happy Holidays, kind sir, and God bless us, every one!
“The Past, Present, Future vibe” feels exactly right. There’s something honest about letting them coexist instead of sorting them into neat boxes. Maybe that’s why Dickens still works, he lets them haunt us just enough to wake us up.
Alex, this essay is so poignant and insightful. Buying for this person's mother sounds like it touched you greatly and in a positive way, which is wonderful.
My divorce was nasty and resulted from a horrendous marriage where I was made to feel small. I understand your point about having the three versions of yourself all at the same time. You're right: our selves really aren't separate entities, but an amalgam of all our selves combined.
Thank you for this terrific essay. You are a master writer and teller of your story.
I smiled at the idea of being called a master writer, mostly since I still feel like I’m figuring it out sentence by sentence. I’m grateful you trusted the work enough to walk through it with your own story in hand. I have appreciated learning more about your story as I have unpacked mine. 🩵
Such a perfect tale of having the past you show up alongside the present you.
Especially on the heels of a retrograde (at least I think it was..). It’s been ten years of me reintegrating the part of me I separated out, the part I created to walk in place of me, the part of me that was so very empty. I still work on gathering those shards back within me.
You will get there, my friend. You will. We’ll just all keep cheering each other on.
I hear your faith in the idea of getting there, and part of me wonders if moments like this are already a kind of arrival. Maybe the cheering is not for a finish line, but for staying present together. I'm so grateful for you. 🩵
I recently had the experience of returning to a place I once occupied and had been toying with the idea of writing about it. But now I know I won’t—because you just did it, and (of course) knocked it out of the park. 🤣
But seriously, the way you're able to articulate the ache and emptiness of being in a relationship with someone yet still being alone is stunningly poignant.
This isn’t the first time I’ve said this, and it won’t be the last—but I'm going to say it anyway: one of the greatest gifts you give is putting language to feelings I’ve carried but hadn’t yet named. And every time I read your work, I learn something about you, something about me, and something about what it means to be human and connected. Your offering carries so much value, my friend. 🧡
There was a moment while writing this when I realized I was finally letting myself say what I had edited out for years. Not to make a point, just to be honest. Your comment makes me feel like that risk landed in a real place. 🩵
I laughed a bit at the idea that I beat you to writing it, mostly since I still feel like I am catching up to my own experiences half the time. Maybe the stories get written when they are ready, not when we plan them. I'd still love to read yours. Because your writing is equally amazing and enthralling!
I genuinely feel like you've given us a front-row seat to your *becoming*, and it's such a joy (and honor) to watch unfold. I hope you hear and feel my heartfelt applause, my friend.
And 100%—*the stories get written when they are ready*.
I feel sort of speechless, reading this. It's so whole, holding and acknowledging everything. And the line that's resonating for me: 'Learning to accommodate my wanting to someone else’s capacity.' How to move to believing and trusting that my own capacity is good, and contains everything I need? So much here, thank you.
“Learning to accommodate my wanting to someone else’s capacity” still gives me pause too. For a long time I mistook that accommodation for love. Naming it helped me see how much of myself had gone quiet in the process.
Thank you so so so much for sharing this Alex! I don't think anyone could have described the juxtaposition of this journey we go through better! You're absolutely right...the point is expanding our capacity to hold our emotions simultaneously. Recognising the AND not OR. To deeply sit with and understand presence of one emotion doesn't require the shunning of another. My chest expanded so beautifully when I read this. Thank you so much for this experience again 🌼
Now I want to go buy a fancy new knife set for myself. To move on from the messy past of my divorce. I got the knife set in the divorce. Since then it has become the messy middle. A missing steak knife, stolen by an ex-boyfriend. The bent tip of the filet knife. The dulled and can’t be sharpened edges of the butcher knife. Those memories all live IN me, and I no longer need the physical and tangible almost daily reminders of them. I’d much rather have a knife at that feels good in my hands again, with earthy wooden handles (so I don’t get lazy and put them in the dishwasher) and a weightyness to them that they feel like they will last a lifetime, and not just through the cycle of another relationship. I want to affirm my relationship with my partner and myself now.
Thank you.
Going knife shopping now.
I laughed at the wooden handles as a dishwasher deterrent. That feels like self knowledge at its finest. There’s something quietly satisfying about choosing beauty and longevity with just enough structure to keep us honest. I hope the knife shopping feels like a celebration. 🩵
I love this, Alexander. The juxtaposition is so real and intimate. How often do we get such a 'groundhog day' that helps us realize how far we've come and how far we've yet to go? It illustrates the moment (and its lingerings) so vividly. The human experience in all its wonderful learning. How much we can learn from each other's journey. Thank you for sharing yours in this way. It is healing for so many. 🙏🏻
I love how you framed it as a kind of Groundhog Day, those moments that quietly show us both distance traveled and distance remaining. I’m curious, when you notice those moments in your own life, do they feel comforting, unsettling, or a mix of both?
Personally, I'm trying to close the gap between feeling my feelings and getting the learning. I spent years thinking my body's sole purpose was transporting my head. Then, some years back, through meditation and many, many groundhog days, I had the most unsettling feeling! Now, I feel in the moment as best I can (Kindness to myself has been a big help) and later I look for the learning. I hope that's clear?
This says it all "practicing aliveness until it became more than theory". Its ongoing, always. To me, if we stop practicing, the magic and beauty will falter. This has been a beautiful series, Alex, and given me much to think about regarding presence and aliveness in all areas of life. Thank you! ✨✨
“If we stop practicing, the magic and beauty will falter.” That feels so true to my own experience. Aliveness seems less like something we arrive at and more like something we keep choosing, sometimes clumsily, sometimes with grace. I appreciate you putting words to that.
Beautiful Alex. You gave us such a gift in this series. Chapters of your life’s journey with finesse, emotion and wisdom. Thank you for opening our eyes and minds in what you have shared. i was struck by “Alone in the wanting I couldn’t speak”. Those words hit home for me. I don’t want this series to end. To continue along your journey with you finding mystery and awareness throughout your revelations is similar to having a great novel I can’t put down. I want to know where you are and what you face and how far you will go. I am hoping as you continue your destiny…you will consider keeping us abreast of your life’s discoveries, whichever emotion appears from them, as you retain your “presence”.
When I was writing this series, I kept wondering how much to reveal and how much to hold. I learned that presence asks for honesty without spectacle. Your response makes me feel like that balance landed, and that means a great deal to me.
I'm kinda loving the Past, Present, Future vibe during this time of year. So apropos as we reflect on the year past, where we are now, and make plans for (or hide from?) our future selves. So fitting, in fact, that Dickens condemned this triumvirate to Christmas Classic domain forever. Your revelation is inspiring. Happy Holidays, kind sir, and God bless us, every one!
“The Past, Present, Future vibe” feels exactly right. There’s something honest about letting them coexist instead of sorting them into neat boxes. Maybe that’s why Dickens still works, he lets them haunt us just enough to wake us up.
Alex, this essay is so poignant and insightful. Buying for this person's mother sounds like it touched you greatly and in a positive way, which is wonderful.
My divorce was nasty and resulted from a horrendous marriage where I was made to feel small. I understand your point about having the three versions of yourself all at the same time. You're right: our selves really aren't separate entities, but an amalgam of all our selves combined.
Thank you for this terrific essay. You are a master writer and teller of your story.
I smiled at the idea of being called a master writer, mostly since I still feel like I’m figuring it out sentence by sentence. I’m grateful you trusted the work enough to walk through it with your own story in hand. I have appreciated learning more about your story as I have unpacked mine. 🩵
Such a perfect tale of having the past you show up alongside the present you.
Especially on the heels of a retrograde (at least I think it was..). It’s been ten years of me reintegrating the part of me I separated out, the part I created to walk in place of me, the part of me that was so very empty. I still work on gathering those shards back within me.
You will get there, my friend. You will. We’ll just all keep cheering each other on.
I hear your faith in the idea of getting there, and part of me wonders if moments like this are already a kind of arrival. Maybe the cheering is not for a finish line, but for staying present together. I'm so grateful for you. 🩵
I recently had the experience of returning to a place I once occupied and had been toying with the idea of writing about it. But now I know I won’t—because you just did it, and (of course) knocked it out of the park. 🤣
But seriously, the way you're able to articulate the ache and emptiness of being in a relationship with someone yet still being alone is stunningly poignant.
This isn’t the first time I’ve said this, and it won’t be the last—but I'm going to say it anyway: one of the greatest gifts you give is putting language to feelings I’ve carried but hadn’t yet named. And every time I read your work, I learn something about you, something about me, and something about what it means to be human and connected. Your offering carries so much value, my friend. 🧡
There was a moment while writing this when I realized I was finally letting myself say what I had edited out for years. Not to make a point, just to be honest. Your comment makes me feel like that risk landed in a real place. 🩵
I laughed a bit at the idea that I beat you to writing it, mostly since I still feel like I am catching up to my own experiences half the time. Maybe the stories get written when they are ready, not when we plan them. I'd still love to read yours. Because your writing is equally amazing and enthralling!
I genuinely feel like you've given us a front-row seat to your *becoming*, and it's such a joy (and honor) to watch unfold. I hope you hear and feel my heartfelt applause, my friend.
And 100%—*the stories get written when they are ready*.
I feel sort of speechless, reading this. It's so whole, holding and acknowledging everything. And the line that's resonating for me: 'Learning to accommodate my wanting to someone else’s capacity.' How to move to believing and trusting that my own capacity is good, and contains everything I need? So much here, thank you.
“Learning to accommodate my wanting to someone else’s capacity” still gives me pause too. For a long time I mistook that accommodation for love. Naming it helped me see how much of myself had gone quiet in the process.
Alex, I love how you're learning to simply be present to what is and whatever arises. Presence and aliveness seem to have many facets and subtleties.
Thank you so so so much for sharing this Alex! I don't think anyone could have described the juxtaposition of this journey we go through better! You're absolutely right...the point is expanding our capacity to hold our emotions simultaneously. Recognising the AND not OR. To deeply sit with and understand presence of one emotion doesn't require the shunning of another. My chest expanded so beautifully when I read this. Thank you so much for this experience again 🌼