Being a person who always took action to find a solution to a problem this story let me reflect on how very different I have been over these last few years. I still have the urge to solve a problem by using common sense in my responses and actions, but now not loudly nor rigid in what I think. I’ve mellowed I suppose in being able to hold myself back from being passionately involved. I’ve been trying to remind myself that although I still have my deep rooted belief that every individual has a choice to make a difference, it is no longer my quest to be that person that does. Saying that is a giant leap for me. I’ve always thought of myself as an independent centrist in the midst of politics. In my small personal life world … I am still empathetic and want to help my family in need, but no longer jump at the issues. I realize I don’t have an influential voice in the world yet to be completely silent especially in my physical circumstance is a daily struggle to hold back. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail, but neither affects me anymore. I can’t honestly say I’m content, that would be a lie. I am aware though, alive and breathing, wishing the best all around for everyone’s problems, I am simply not trying to solve them anymore. Thanks for nudging me Alex to assess myself and realize who I am today.
Kathy, this is such a generous reflection. Thank you for trusting the thread with this much honesty.
I keep coming back to what you said about still having a deep-rooted belief that every individual has a choice to make a difference, yet it is no longer your quest to be the person who does. That feels like the heart of it. The belief remains, the care remains, the empathy remains, but the old contract has changed.
That is a hard contract to revise.
I relate to the part about wanting to help, wanting to respond with common sense, wanting to bring something useful to the moment. There can be such a fine line between offering ourselves and abandoning ourselves. Sometimes I only recognize the difference after I’ve already signed up for a problem that was never mine to carry.
Your words feel very alive to me. Not resolved in some tidy way, just honest. Aware, breathing, wishing the best, and no longer trying to solve everything. That sounds like real ground.
Yes, and I wonder if there’s a tiny extra layer here too. Sometimes not being drawn in can sound like distance, but I think the deeper practice is staying warm while staying sovereign. That combination still feels like advanced humaning to me. 😂
'Stay in the room without becoming the room'.... I love it. It seems like this is what we do in the therapy room all day, yet I find it so hard to do this elsewhere. Beautifully told 💚
Yes, exactly. I think about that often, how some of the deepest practices we know professionally can get slippery in ordinary life. The therapy room gives us a container. The yoga studio works the same way. Elsewhere, we’re often making the container from scratch.
Love this! Arrived at the interview with Terri Leigh as you were talking about Dutch Apple Pie! I am Dutch! I recognize your story! I like your writing! We can just be, observe and not engage! Although that’s not easy in a Dutch Pub due to the literal closeness of the tables 😁
Oh I'm so glad you arrived just at that moment. How perfect! I loved Amsterdam so much, and I think part of what stayed with me was exactly that closeness. The tables, the voices, the impossibility of pretending we are separate little islands. Beautiful, fun, and sometimes hard to have a moment alone 😂
Alex, Fascinating! I've never truly thought about nervous system activation in this way. As you've pointed out, there is so much external to us that does not deserve our activation. It's beautiful to see how you've mastered this and a big inspiration to me.
I really appreciate this, Sandra. And I want to say, “mastered” may be giving me a little too much credit. 😂 I have had many years of donating my nervous system to causes, conversations, strangers, comment sections, and vibes in the room. But I do feel like I’m learning, slowly, that attention and activation are not the same thing.
Okay, I’ll take it back then! 🥰 He, he, ho, ho! Still, I was deeply inspired that you’ve come as far as you have. I know, this relearning thing is a lifelong process. I appreciate you.
Hmmm so delicious Alex. I often feel/behave this way lately. I used to think I was just shutting the world out. And Ive certainly done that too. But I like being in that place of the fullness of the All That Is. Realizing I can be present with empathy really. It's a feeling of compassion for the immensity of it all. A kind of trusting things are working themselves out. While I tend to what I can tend.
As a self-proclaimed US Escapee traveling as a full-time nomad, this piece landed like Dorothy's house onto a narcissistic witch. For a year I've wrestled with "The thing about being the only American in a room full of strangers talking about America is that eventually someone notices." I've good-naturedly guffawed at political jokes, pretended to be Canadian and English, and avoided joining conversations when certain trigger words or names are mentioned. All of which has triggered me into questioning who I consider myself to be if I'm not willing to abide by the antics and direction of the country that birthed me. Which I absolutely am not. I've tried to turn the volume down on the noise (leaving being the most recent, having unplugged news outlets over the years), but even on the other side of the world one cannot escape fellow travelers discussing world events, so many of which are shaped or affected by you-know-who. And as your pub scene illustrates, sometimes an intimate setting makes dissociating an unacceptable choice (provided one wishes not to be ostracized by fellow humans). But you've presented a silver platter of sanity with this perspective of participatory non-engagement. To support and be present--an act of community and kindness to others--without oversharing or losing ourselves. Brilliant, lifesaving concept, dear friend. Thank you for articulating and sharing it.
I've moved beyond my need to participate, to make known where I stand. Who cares? My sister always said, " You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to." That was advice for my adopted daughter, whose bio "mom" was always instigating drama between them. It was a life-changing concept for us both. Now I employ it with my spouse who is mentally declining. I am able to respond in a neutral way, and move along. I love that you recognize your power in those situations, Alex. Observe and notice, and then decided if you wish to partake/participate/comment or remain silent. Thank you for this. Love, Virg
I really loved this story Alex. None of those people merited your opinions, your emotions, nor even your energy.
You were gentle in your answers (which is consistent with who you truly are,)
I do not engage in political conversation nor shaming of our country. The country is not to blame, the orange baboon and the billionaires in politics are.
I have lived a long time by the physics principle that what we focus on grows. And I give ALL of that crap zero energy.
With a good friend and neighbor, who was beginning a deep rant while having a cocktail at my house, I gently interrupted his rant and said “I’d rather be your friend than talk about that topic”. He got quiet immediately and subjects were changed with no fanfare.
I remember Morgan Freeman made a public statements back when Sandy Hook’s brutal mass shooting happened, reminding the media that what the nutzoids who were harming others wanted the most was to become famous (even if they died in the process). He said to give them zero media coverage as people, focus only in the tragedy and never the perpetrators.
Alex! What a beautiful piece of work - of art - of philosophy!!! Absolutely beautiful! And the insight!! Thank you!!
Writing about one particular moment in time like this has a name, doesn't it? Style, mode, etc.? It seems @Amanda Saint has taught a class on it. Not sure. Regardless, I'd love to take a mini workshop on how to write these types of essays. Have you ever taught one?
OK, Alex, I wrote that last week's essay was one of your best (in my "humble" opinion), but this one is just as excellent. Phenomenal. You put into language something I have been trying, and failing, at doing for a long, long time.
This in particular: "What they wanted was for me to take their side, or to give them somebody to push against, or to confirm they were not alone. What they needed, if they needed anything, was for somebody in the room to stay. To not flee."
You see, I tend to be the person in the room who, like you, listens and notices quietly. I respond a lot like you did: I will say, "I can see why you feel that way" or "I'm not sure, I'm still figuring it out."
I tend to be caught in the middle of two polar extremes, and I'm exhausted. Worn out. Bone weary. Reading your essay this afternoon gave me a jolt of energy, I think, because I realized that what you are essentially saying (to me, at least) is that I don't have to participate in any of the polarization. Most of the time, I choose not to. I do not read the news. I am intentional about what I consume, how, and why.
Yet I often get caught in the crossfires of other people's activation, and somehow reading your story of your last night in Amsterdam, I found myself leaning forward and whispering aloud, "Yes. This. Yes."
It strengthens me to know there are other humans out there genuinely trying to work toward nonviolent means of communication. Honestly, I think it's the only way forward for our nation, and besides, where has violence ever gotten us, anyway - in wars or in words?
Thank you, Alex, for walking this journey alongside me, even from thousands of miles away.
I agree. There's actually a book titled Nonviolent Communication. Good stuff. I love how he observes the observer, the self-awareness, self-assessment, and self-assessment live in the moment. A great example of detachment, allowing others to be and do as they will, and living and let live.
Great article! I am slowly learning to do just that as my nervous system is so dysregulated at the present time. Thank you for sharing such a valuable viewpoint.
Loved this. 🙏 The constant political yelling, while understandable... is a lot for one's nervous system to keep up with. My motto is that I'll create way more change by living life according to my own (hopefully good!) values and inspiring others to look inwards at theirs, than I ever would jumping into fights over the headlines of the moment. 🫶
Being a person who always took action to find a solution to a problem this story let me reflect on how very different I have been over these last few years. I still have the urge to solve a problem by using common sense in my responses and actions, but now not loudly nor rigid in what I think. I’ve mellowed I suppose in being able to hold myself back from being passionately involved. I’ve been trying to remind myself that although I still have my deep rooted belief that every individual has a choice to make a difference, it is no longer my quest to be that person that does. Saying that is a giant leap for me. I’ve always thought of myself as an independent centrist in the midst of politics. In my small personal life world … I am still empathetic and want to help my family in need, but no longer jump at the issues. I realize I don’t have an influential voice in the world yet to be completely silent especially in my physical circumstance is a daily struggle to hold back. Sometimes I succeed and sometimes I fail, but neither affects me anymore. I can’t honestly say I’m content, that would be a lie. I am aware though, alive and breathing, wishing the best all around for everyone’s problems, I am simply not trying to solve them anymore. Thanks for nudging me Alex to assess myself and realize who I am today.
Kathy, this is such a generous reflection. Thank you for trusting the thread with this much honesty.
I keep coming back to what you said about still having a deep-rooted belief that every individual has a choice to make a difference, yet it is no longer your quest to be the person who does. That feels like the heart of it. The belief remains, the care remains, the empathy remains, but the old contract has changed.
That is a hard contract to revise.
I relate to the part about wanting to help, wanting to respond with common sense, wanting to bring something useful to the moment. There can be such a fine line between offering ourselves and abandoning ourselves. Sometimes I only recognize the difference after I’ve already signed up for a problem that was never mine to carry.
Your words feel very alive to me. Not resolved in some tidy way, just honest. Aware, breathing, wishing the best, and no longer trying to solve everything. That sounds like real ground.
Thank you for your feedback Alex. Always welcome and always wise words from you. ❤️🌹
Great reminder to stay focused, grounded, and not feel compelled to respond.
Yes. And I say this as someone whose nervous system has absolutely believed every group conversation was a pop quiz at some point in my life. 🧡
Bearing witness to others moment while staying true to yourself. Not allowing anyone to draw you in.
Yes, and I wonder if there’s a tiny extra layer here too. Sometimes not being drawn in can sound like distance, but I think the deeper practice is staying warm while staying sovereign. That combination still feels like advanced humaning to me. 😂
Absolutely!
'Stay in the room without becoming the room'.... I love it. It seems like this is what we do in the therapy room all day, yet I find it so hard to do this elsewhere. Beautifully told 💚
Yes, exactly. I think about that often, how some of the deepest practices we know professionally can get slippery in ordinary life. The therapy room gives us a container. The yoga studio works the same way. Elsewhere, we’re often making the container from scratch.
Love this! Arrived at the interview with Terri Leigh as you were talking about Dutch Apple Pie! I am Dutch! I recognize your story! I like your writing! We can just be, observe and not engage! Although that’s not easy in a Dutch Pub due to the literal closeness of the tables 😁
Oh I'm so glad you arrived just at that moment. How perfect! I loved Amsterdam so much, and I think part of what stayed with me was exactly that closeness. The tables, the voices, the impossibility of pretending we are separate little islands. Beautiful, fun, and sometimes hard to have a moment alone 😂
YES 😂
Alex, Fascinating! I've never truly thought about nervous system activation in this way. As you've pointed out, there is so much external to us that does not deserve our activation. It's beautiful to see how you've mastered this and a big inspiration to me.
I really appreciate this, Sandra. And I want to say, “mastered” may be giving me a little too much credit. 😂 I have had many years of donating my nervous system to causes, conversations, strangers, comment sections, and vibes in the room. But I do feel like I’m learning, slowly, that attention and activation are not the same thing.
Okay, I’ll take it back then! 🥰 He, he, ho, ho! Still, I was deeply inspired that you’ve come as far as you have. I know, this relearning thing is a lifelong process. I appreciate you.
Hmmm so delicious Alex. I often feel/behave this way lately. I used to think I was just shutting the world out. And Ive certainly done that too. But I like being in that place of the fullness of the All That Is. Realizing I can be present with empathy really. It's a feeling of compassion for the immensity of it all. A kind of trusting things are working themselves out. While I tend to what I can tend.
Perfect, Alex! Thank you.
As a self-proclaimed US Escapee traveling as a full-time nomad, this piece landed like Dorothy's house onto a narcissistic witch. For a year I've wrestled with "The thing about being the only American in a room full of strangers talking about America is that eventually someone notices." I've good-naturedly guffawed at political jokes, pretended to be Canadian and English, and avoided joining conversations when certain trigger words or names are mentioned. All of which has triggered me into questioning who I consider myself to be if I'm not willing to abide by the antics and direction of the country that birthed me. Which I absolutely am not. I've tried to turn the volume down on the noise (leaving being the most recent, having unplugged news outlets over the years), but even on the other side of the world one cannot escape fellow travelers discussing world events, so many of which are shaped or affected by you-know-who. And as your pub scene illustrates, sometimes an intimate setting makes dissociating an unacceptable choice (provided one wishes not to be ostracized by fellow humans). But you've presented a silver platter of sanity with this perspective of participatory non-engagement. To support and be present--an act of community and kindness to others--without oversharing or losing ourselves. Brilliant, lifesaving concept, dear friend. Thank you for articulating and sharing it.
I've moved beyond my need to participate, to make known where I stand. Who cares? My sister always said, " You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to." That was advice for my adopted daughter, whose bio "mom" was always instigating drama between them. It was a life-changing concept for us both. Now I employ it with my spouse who is mentally declining. I am able to respond in a neutral way, and move along. I love that you recognize your power in those situations, Alex. Observe and notice, and then decided if you wish to partake/participate/comment or remain silent. Thank you for this. Love, Virg
I really loved this story Alex. None of those people merited your opinions, your emotions, nor even your energy.
You were gentle in your answers (which is consistent with who you truly are,)
I do not engage in political conversation nor shaming of our country. The country is not to blame, the orange baboon and the billionaires in politics are.
I have lived a long time by the physics principle that what we focus on grows. And I give ALL of that crap zero energy.
With a good friend and neighbor, who was beginning a deep rant while having a cocktail at my house, I gently interrupted his rant and said “I’d rather be your friend than talk about that topic”. He got quiet immediately and subjects were changed with no fanfare.
I remember Morgan Freeman made a public statements back when Sandy Hook’s brutal mass shooting happened, reminding the media that what the nutzoids who were harming others wanted the most was to become famous (even if they died in the process). He said to give them zero media coverage as people, focus only in the tragedy and never the perpetrators.
Alex! What a beautiful piece of work - of art - of philosophy!!! Absolutely beautiful! And the insight!! Thank you!!
Writing about one particular moment in time like this has a name, doesn't it? Style, mode, etc.? It seems @Amanda Saint has taught a class on it. Not sure. Regardless, I'd love to take a mini workshop on how to write these types of essays. Have you ever taught one?
Just what I needed to hear. It’s ‘there’ but maybe something I don’t need to take with me everywhere I go.
OK, Alex, I wrote that last week's essay was one of your best (in my "humble" opinion), but this one is just as excellent. Phenomenal. You put into language something I have been trying, and failing, at doing for a long, long time.
This in particular: "What they wanted was for me to take their side, or to give them somebody to push against, or to confirm they were not alone. What they needed, if they needed anything, was for somebody in the room to stay. To not flee."
You see, I tend to be the person in the room who, like you, listens and notices quietly. I respond a lot like you did: I will say, "I can see why you feel that way" or "I'm not sure, I'm still figuring it out."
I tend to be caught in the middle of two polar extremes, and I'm exhausted. Worn out. Bone weary. Reading your essay this afternoon gave me a jolt of energy, I think, because I realized that what you are essentially saying (to me, at least) is that I don't have to participate in any of the polarization. Most of the time, I choose not to. I do not read the news. I am intentional about what I consume, how, and why.
Yet I often get caught in the crossfires of other people's activation, and somehow reading your story of your last night in Amsterdam, I found myself leaning forward and whispering aloud, "Yes. This. Yes."
It strengthens me to know there are other humans out there genuinely trying to work toward nonviolent means of communication. Honestly, I think it's the only way forward for our nation, and besides, where has violence ever gotten us, anyway - in wars or in words?
Thank you, Alex, for walking this journey alongside me, even from thousands of miles away.
I agree. There's actually a book titled Nonviolent Communication. Good stuff. I love how he observes the observer, the self-awareness, self-assessment, and self-assessment live in the moment. A great example of detachment, allowing others to be and do as they will, and living and let live.
Eddie, Nonviolent Communication is one of my favorite books. Game changer and life changing for me! I refer to it often.
Great article! I am slowly learning to do just that as my nervous system is so dysregulated at the present time. Thank you for sharing such a valuable viewpoint.
Loved this. 🙏 The constant political yelling, while understandable... is a lot for one's nervous system to keep up with. My motto is that I'll create way more change by living life according to my own (hopefully good!) values and inspiring others to look inwards at theirs, than I ever would jumping into fights over the headlines of the moment. 🫶